Get Us to the Church — Eventually

Here are some examples of problems and their possible solutions:

Earthquake.

Solution: Have ushers pass out safety instructions to each entering guest. Perhaps run a drill during the prelude.

Minister develops extreme hoarseness.

Solution: heavy-duty cough drops in best man’s pocket. Have Uncle Fred and Aunt Jean registered and practiced as one-shot officiants.

Minister gets your names wrong. (This happens more than you might realize.)

Solution: Wear discrete little name tags.

Groom gained or lost weight and doesn’t fit into tux.

Solution: Reserve three tuxes — his own size, plus one larger and one smaller. That’ll cover things.

Bride’s gorgeous hairdo unravels at the altar.

Solution: Disguise a professional hairdresser as your lead bridesmaid and have her hide an emergency hairdo kit in her gown.

Flower girl panics and flees.

Solution: Skip the kid entirely and hire a very small adult for the part.

You forget your lines.

Solution: Groom uses inside of his cuffs as a cheat sheet. If veiled, bride embroiders essentials among the lace. Or, have a trained theater cuer sit nearby, script in hand.

One of you develops hiccups.

Solution: Ask the best man to plan to yell “boo!” at the right moment. Also thoroughly practice your vows in advance under simulated hiccups.

Someone misplaces the rings.

Solution: Salt two or three duplicate ring sets (imitation, of course, to save money) among several of the wedding party. You can find the real ones later.

Ringing cell phones disrupt the ceremony.

Solution: Have metal detectors at the church entrance and/or frisk each guest. Note — it’s also wise to frisk members of the wedding party.

Vocal soloist develops stage fright and proves squawkingly awful.

Solution: Have her lip-sync to a pre-approved recording.

People dislike your reception seating plan.

Solution: Remember good old musical chairs? Have guests change seats every few minutes.

Father-in-law has allergic reaction to peanuts in the salad.

Solution: Ask caterer to post boldfaced lists of every ingredient by every dish.

Wedding cake tilts.

Solution: Order cake with hidden metal brace.

Reception table candles start a fire.

Solution: Have an extinguisher bearer hovering close by. Doll up the extinguisher to look like a festive centerpiece.

One or more wedding toasts embarrass you.

Solution: Record all toasts in advance and play on video system. Of course, also have a backup recording and a backup video system.

Sound system fails.

Solution: Scatter decorative megaphones about the hall.

DJ’s music irritates or bores your guests.

Solution: Know in advance the location of the power plug to his gear. Have a Lawrence Welk show or similar upbeat program cued up on that video player.

Limousine doesn’t arrive on time.

Solution: Have hiking boots and backpacks ready and impress your guests by saying you’re going on a fitness honeymoon.

Well, you get the idea. Think through each eventuality and plan accordingly.