TOAST POINTS

Moving Beyond Toastaphobia

Story by Eric Wallace

Your ceremony was touching, the reception is going terrifically, everyone’s having a wonderful evening. Even the mosquitoes are behaving, perhaps mercifully attending a different wedding.

But here come those sounds you’ve long been anticipating: the dreaded clink of a knife on a glass. The annoying little squealsquawk of the p.a. system. The nervous clearing of a phlegmy throat.

It’s toast time! And, you ask, not without considerable trepidation: What lies ahead in the next minutes?

There’s good reason for worry. Ahead lurks the most-feared moments of many weddings. Moments that can ruin the mood, if not almost sink the entire endeavor.

Consider what we’ve all experienced at other weddings:

• Jokes so bad they instantly curdled the icing on the cake.
• Revealing stories which broke up the marriage within days.
• Longwinded bores and father-in-law snores.
• Rambling sentimentality and over-the-top schmaltz.
• Self-aggrandizement worthy of Alaskan election speeches.
• Embarrassing sexual references. Really embarrassing.

These horrors tend to happen when couples ignore a most important principle:

Not everyone is well suited (regardless of attire) for giving a wedding toast.

And its corollary:

Some would-be toasters should be stopped at all costs.

TOASTING EVERYTHING…and EVERYONE

To whom should toasts be given? It’s far too easy to start a veritable avalanche of toasts with a huge, never-ending tumble of salutes to everyone from the assistant church custodian to the groom’s first babysitter.

There simply isn’t enough time for this, even if the toasts are well meant and well said. You want to move the dinner along. After all, your honeymoon clock is ticking.

So, in a streamlined affair, who gets toasted? Among the more acceptable honorees (in nuptial lingo they’re called toasterees):

• The couple, in toasts to each other, presuming they’re not fuming about why he misplaced the ring or why she invited three prior boyfriends.
• The parents, especially if they’re helping pay for everything.
• Those with supporting roles (best man, bridesmaids, etc.), provided they didn’t upstage the couple in any major way.
• All guests as a group, if the gift table seems appropriately full.
• The oldest family member present, as long as the toast won’t send her into cardiac arrest.
• Alaska Bride & Groom Magazine, for all their helpful articles.

EVERYONE IS NOT A STAR

Who should or shouldn’t give a toast? Probably not these:

• The uncle – or aunt – who gets tipsy at the first splash of wine into a glass.
• Your sister – the weepy one, the cry-at-everything kid.
• Your former love (whose subconscious is nudging him to spill all).
• Those wanting to reminisce about their own weddings, not talk about yours.
• Anyone divorced more than twice or with other matrimonial axes to grind.
• Your father, if he really doesn’t want to give you away.
• Your mother, if she’s overly thrilled at having you gone at last.
• Any guest clearly itching to wield the microphone. (Remember: this is not karaoke!)

Eliminate all these. That should narrow the field considerably.

BRING OUT THE HOOK

Regardless of your vetting, some problematic folk will get to the microphone. Here’s how you can deal with toasters like these:

• She is inaudible.
  Leap up, pat her on the back as though she’s choking, and move gracefully to the next presenter.
• He forgets the names of the principals.
  Hide a prompter under the head table, ready to cue. And/or have nametags on everyone, including the bride and groom.
• She begins to recount family history, ancestor by ancestor.
  Slip her a note that she’s needed in the parking lot immediately. Perhaps imply disaster with her Prius. Have several similar notes prewritten and kept handy.
• She has too many sips while toasting and starts slurring words – or slurring you.
  Simply thank her profusely and lead her away. To anywhere but the bar.
• He’s beginning to reveal the one secret you don’t want shared.
  Quickly begin laughing uproariously as though he’s told a great joke, at the same time removing the mike from his distracted hand.
• He begins using increasingly salty language.
  Signal the minister to stand and interject a prayer. A very loud one. (You may have to tip the minister extra for this pre-arranged service, but it’s worth it.)

If all else fails, work out a subtle alert with the sound person. When you give the signal, the p.a. immediately goes dead. Commiserate with the toaster. Warmly gesture to your guests to go about their dining and partying.

Other useful approaches to safeguarding the toasting moment:

• Hire a professional toaster. (See alaskantoastvendors.com or standupweddingcomics.org.)
• Record the toasts on video the week before, edit each to perfection, then simply play them back at the dinner.
• Have all toasts submitted in writing in advance. Pass out printed versions at toast time. Allow five minutes of silence while people read them. To themselves. During this useful break the couple can catch up on their eating.

Finally, the easiest method of all: have one highly-trusted, well-rehearsed person stand up, raise a glass and give one of these four profound and practical toasts, which we offer you gratis:

• Shortness and sweetness itself:
  “Here’s to us all!” (The toaster sits immediately. Nothing further is said.)
• A still shorter version:
  “To us all!” (Sit down, shut up.)
• Or, since brevity is the soul of toasting:
  “To us.” (Whew! That wasn’t so bad, was it?)
• But, if you prefer the simplest toast of all:
  “Us!”

The feared moments are over. Bring on the cake!