Wedding Venues with Verve

Where, oh where will you hold your wedding?

By Eric Wallace

The usual locations await. Churches. Homes. Gardens. Glaciers.

But since you want your wedding to stand out, why choose a standard spot? Besides, ‘usual’ places can have problems. To reserve a popular church, you have to take a number. Homes require retrofitting to squeeze in guests. Gardens have weather and mosquito issues. Glaciers hide sneaky crevasses (last year alone, three best men and one ringbearer vanished from sight). Skydiving? Just how many guests do you think you can accommodate up there?

So why not ponder nontraditional alternatives? Less competition, more interest, more fun. And fewer lost best men.

Here are a few possibilities for slightly different wedding venues.

Movie house. Now playing: You!

Just think: comfy seats, built-in stereo sound, your ceremony projected on the giant screen, popcorn for the kids. While you pose for photos you can occupy everyone with films like “Father of the Bride,” “The Wedding Planner” or “Bad Bachelor Boys.” (Well, maybe skip that one.)

Halls of government. Feel the power.

Get married in the Juneau legislative chambers or in your town hall. Any cash-strapped government will eagerly rent to you, maybe even throw in free use of the gavel. A bonus: you can take turns sitting in the speaker’s/mayor’s chair and presiding over your guests. Or over each other.

Your old high school gym. Grade A.

Matrimony plus nostalgia! What a happy combination! Go back in time, marry beneath the basketball hoop, then prom dance to a high school band under homemade crepe decorations. Savor the familiar romantic aromas of teenage sweat and old socks.

Oil platform. Energy abounding.

Give everyone a big buzz by helicoptering out to one of those giant platforms. Get incredible views and the electric tingle of perching high above icy and scary waters. Not to mention the excitement of knowing there’s a thousand barrels of high-pressure crude underfoot. Roustabouts as ushers! Hard hats for all! Society columns will gush about your wedding.

Baseball field. What a diamond!

Guys often propose at ball parks, but why not go further and actually get married at home plate or on the pitcher’s mound during a game? Baseball’s so slow-moving, you can easily integrate your ceremony between innings, maybe even between pitches. Vendors can sling hotdogs, peanuts and wedding cake across the seats as the park speakers play “Take Me Out to the Wedding.” Of course for your officiant, you’ll want an umpire. Just don’t argue with him.

TV studio. Floating ‘on air.’

Rent a television studio and include multi-camera coverage of the big day. Instant replays. Your first married kiss in slo-mo. Using the weather person’s green screen, the studio can electronically place you in every location you desire. Dozens of venues in one! Get the station to broadcast your wedding as a reality show, and you’ll share the commercial revenue.

The virtual venue. Linking while linked.

Finally, to keep up with contemporary culture, consider holding an All-Cellphone Wedding – or an All-Webcam Wedding – with everyone staying in their own homes, towns or vehicles, then connecting by modern technology. You two could already be relaxing at your honeymoon location, ready to enjoy peace and quiet once you hang up.

Library. Stacked in your favor.

Get married in the company of great minds. Libraries come complete with instructions for everything. Books on wedding etiquette, customs and traditions, catering, etc., are all close at hand, along with a nice selection of travel guides if you’ve not yet picked your honeymoon spot. For extra panache, get married between Romances and Mysteries.

Water works. Deep vows.

You’ll make a real splash if you plunge into an underwater ceremony in a lake, Prince William Sound or the Gulf of Alaska. It’s scuba dooba I do! You’ll simply need PADI certification, dry suit tuxes and dive goddess skintight gowns. Your vows can be in sign language or written on underwater slates. And just think: you won’t have to chill the champagne. Don’t skimp on the towels.

Another water option: get married in the middle of a salmon stream. One delightful challenge: removing the wedding garter from under hip waders. For extra fun, hold your ceremony at the height of combat fishing season. When you hook the groom, you can always throw him back if he’s not the ‘King’ you were hoping for.

Disclaimers: You must factor in obtaining permits, preparing for lawsuits, etc. Include safety officers in the wedding party. Scuba gear and helicopter rentals are your responsibility. Long distance charges may apply. This magazine is not liable if suggestions lead to disasters, citations, irate pilots or ruined hairdos. Cash value of ideas limited to 1/20th of one cent.